Hind Sight Truth

I’ve always said the most important jobs are parents, preachers, and those who care for the elderly and handicapped. And those are jobs I’ve never wanted in my life. I wanted to go to seminary but only for the mental challenge. I didn’t want to be responsible for the spiritual guidance of anyone–myself included. I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone or anything. Still don’t.

I never wanted any of these responsibilities because I know the importance of them and the amount of work they involve. It’s too much of a commitment: a lifetime. I wish more people understood these things. Based on my observations; they don’t. Or they are lazy. Or both. I don’t do commitments of any kind. If I don’t have the option of walking away then I can’t involve myself. It’s not who I am.

I’ve always admired the strength of people who take these jobs as seriously as they should; those who take the time and put in the work to raise genuinely good and compassionate humans; those who guide the spiritually poor to a place of victory and love; and those who care for so many elderly and handicapped who cannot care for themselves and have no one else to care for them. I also pray for these caregivers because one day I will be one of those elderly. And that is my cross to bear. That’s the going rate for complete freedom, you know. I feel for those who see it as imprisonment, for those who are lonely, who long for something more, for someone. I cannot imagine anything other than this life. I don’t believe in it.

Until recently, I never understood what it meant to be lonely. I’ve always loved living alone and not being forced to deal with anyone or anything I didn’t have to. Covid killed my vibe. I’ve had unidentifiable pains and I’m still waiting for growth. Aren’t they all growing pains? I loved living alone because I didn’t have to be if I didn’t want to. I’ve always had lots of friends and things to do. Covid killed that, too. My people–my entire world, hid from the virus and bought into the fear more than they should have. It was hard to believe and difficult to deal with, but I got used to it. And now that people are somewhat resuming their lives pre-2020, I don’t want to. I’ve got new habits. I require more alone time now. And I want my space. I need it for me.

I see I got off on a tangent here. My intention was to discuss these jobs and their importance, to shed the light on what they mean to others. Oh well. I’ll see where this goes like the rest of you.

My boss recently lost his father to Cancer. He was a young man in his late 70’s and lived a good life, I am told. He was surrounded by family and was able to take his final breaths in his own home, something he wanted from the moment he learned his fate. He got his wish, though much too late in my mind–being surrounded by family, I mean. We are all guilty of this.

Why do we always wait? Why do we ignore the importance of others in our lives until we are met with mortality? I ask this as I ignore everyone in my world. Life: It consumes us. We don’t make time for anything because time chooses our paths. It’s like going to Target so it can tell you what you need. Only not as fun–and sometimes–it costs us way more. Hind sight is always 20/20, and it seems as though we are blind until after the fact. I know I will still leave these thoughts and resume my solitude. Everything else is too much work, too much effort, and I don’t care to do any of it. I’m not even waving the white flag. That also requires too much effort. I am lying on it on the ground with no intention of ever getting up.

I think I’ve been in survival mode for so long that I don’t know anything else. Mindfulness has never been a strength of mine, and anxiety often takes the wheel of this crazy train on the rails to hell. Time is a demanding bitch, and “the man” is her boss, and I’m just along for the ride. Who decided this was the meaning of life? And why do we realize it’s not until we are either on our death beds or someone we love is?

The wisest thing my father ever said was people take time for granted because no one’s good at managing it. It was something along those lines, anyway. And if that isn’t a slap-in-the-face…

Perhaps that’s why I want nothing to do with the most important jobs in the world. And maybe that’s why many of those who have them aren’t good at them–or good enough. Mindfulness is the arch nemesis of Time, the world is the biggest distraction of them both, and we aren’t good with either.

A couple weeks ago, one of my coworkers passed away. He was only 35. He died in a car crash after a head on collision with another car. There were no survivors. There was no time to prepare for these losses, and the gatherings would be at a church or funeral home. Too late. Much too late.

A very dear friend, the mother of my other family, has pancreatic cancer and is currently in the hospital with complications. She has fought the good fight and has been victorious thus far. She could use all the prayers in the world. And her family is all over the map. I pray we can all gather while her soul is still with us; even more I pray for a miraculous healing that only God can manage. He brought Lazarus back from the grave and He can most certainly change this story.

My soul is dying with her, and I’m certain so are others close to her. I cry as I type this. Life isn’t fair. Not even for a minute. We are a people who are apparently slow learners, easily distracted, and blind until we’re looking through hind sight. May God have mercy on our souls. May God give us all strength to be the best stewards of our time, fully-focused and mindful, and not allow to world to control us any longer. May God give us peace that passes all understanding–a peace that can only come from above.

And God, if you’re listening, please give me a sign, some hope, and a reason to get up.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen” Ephesians 3:20-21


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